Through Liz Colored Glasses

Pictures!!!

2008-03-14T21:36:00.006-05:00

Okay pictures from the race and maybe even some video if I can figure that out.

Many of these are courtesy of my wonderful family that woke in the wee hours of the morning to cheer me on!

Thanks girls!

This is what the clock looks like at 5:30 in the morning....

This is what the outside looks like at 5:30 in the morning....

And this is what I look like at 5:30 in the morning....Kind of scary....

I guess if you have to be up that early it helps when this is where you're headed....the beautiful Ford Castle on Berry Campus....

Check-in tents....where I made a fool of myself repeatedly and didn't care in the slightest...

Super Cow....so much enthusiasm....it's udderly amazing!

The half-marathoners....maybe one day in the far far future....

And finally me running...I promise I was much sexier looking in motion...

Hopefully the videos below will work....the first one is the start of the 5k. I'm somewhere mid pack and I don't wave at the camera until just before I leave the frame so catch me if you can

The second one is the end of the race....so I lied about being sexier in motion....next time I will know to move my feet faster when I wanna go faster but bounding up the hill seemed like the best option at the time.

Well there ya go....next stop....Triathlon!!

My First 5k!

2008-03-02T09:47:00.002-05:00

(Note: I'll be posting pictures as soon as I can find my memory card reader)

I ran in my very first 5k this Saturday and it was amazing!!! The race site was an hour away and check-in ended at 7:30am so I decided I would leave my house about 5:30 to get there with plenty of time. My mom and sisters were meeting me up there later but Norm had to work so I was on my own until 8:15 and the race started and 8:30....I was a nervous wreck.

I ate a banana when I woke up but the butterflies in my stomach were not excited about the idea of oatmeal so I packed that up in Tupperware and headed out running about ten minutes late even though I got up at 5 and all I had to do was dress in the clothes I laid out, eat, and grab my pre-packed bag on the way out the door.

The race was at Berry College. I went there for one semester and visited several times after that....all I had to do was get on 27 North (which is about 3 minutes away from my house) and stay on it until it crosses right in front of Berry....I got lost!

I turned right when the highway went straight even though a sign at the intersection said Rome was straight ahead...I'll blame it on nerves and maybe the fact that I was eating oatmeal while driving. So now I was running 25 minutes behind schedule and getting very nervous about making it on time.

I got there about 7 and thanked my foresight that I allowed an hour between my original projected arrival time and the end of check-in.

I spent the next 15 minutes walking around like an idiot asking people things like "where is the 5k check-in?" when there is a sign right next to me indicating and "do you know where the bathrooms are?" and she points directly behind me to the long row of bright blue port-a-johns. I think I rode the shuttle back and forth from the race site to my car three times because I couldn't decide where to leave my bag of post race stuff seeing as I was still very much by myself.

After the last trip back to the car I decided I would take everything with me and hope that a) my family got there before the race started or b) race people don't steal stuff. This time I didn't have the nerve to ride the shuttle AGAIN so I walked the half mile up there chatting with a girl who was also running her first 5k and whose husband also had to work, but her friends showed up early so I dropped her off with them and wandered off to a spot where I could look like I knew what I was doing ("I'm so good at preparing myself I don't need help!") while I waited for my family to save me from nerve racked mind.

I was reassured by the fact that everybody just leaves their stuff everywhere with apparent confidence so I did the same and then went around taking pictures to document the momentous occasion, cheering the half marathoners that took off at 8, and using the restrooms more times then I ever thought possible (there is no way I drank that much water).

They called 15 minutes and suddenly realized I had no idea how to prepare myself....so I ran through my normal set of warm-ups that I do before a Judo tournament, except for throwing people, I thought that might be frowned upon here. I put on my most serious face so that people would think this warm-up routine was cutting edge and why didn't they know it?

My family made it with five minutes to spare so after a quick hello and explaining how to use the camera I was off to line up. I wriggled my way to a spot near the front of mid pack and all of a sudden we were running!!

I waved at the family as I passed and then looked to check my stop watch 00:00....I forgot to hit start...oh well I figured we were about a minute into it so I'd just add a minute when I passed the mile markers.

I started off at a nice jog just finding my stride and regulating my breathing. Before I knew it I was passing the one mile mark....8:30ish was the time (they have wonderful volunteers announcing the time in five second intervals) that was a fast mile for me. I made a mental not to be careful and pace myself, I was shooting for 10 minute miles with a finish around 31-33 minutes.

I saw a lady up ahead that was running at a cadence I liked and paced with her for about a mile and when we passed the 2nd mile marker it was another 8 and half minutes....wow only a mile to go and I'm feeling good!

I had a good handle on the pace I wanted to I left my running buddy and headed into the home stretch. I had run in the pack for the first few minutes but we had all spread out at this point and I was too far ahead of the person behind to worry about being passed and too far away from the person ahead of me to stress about catching up, so I just ran my own race and was feeling great!

I reached the last 1/10 of a mile and it was up hill (cruel race designers) but when I saw the clock reading 25:45 and my sister waving like mad I mustered the energy to bound up the hill and finish strong....not sprint mind you....bound. In retrospect move my feet fast would have been a more efficient way of getting a final burst but the leaping looks alot more amusing on the video my took (to be posted later). I hit the finish line at 26:17!!! I couldn't believe it!!!!

They took my timing chip off my shoe and I was done (note: also cruel to make you stand still a split second after crossing the finish line, I thought I would pass out)

I found my family and hugged and laughed and almost forgot to cool down or stretch. My mom, the trooper that she is, brought a cooler full of water and protein stuff and gatorade so I skipped the runners refreshment tent and split the post race snacks with my sisters.

After hanging out for a while we noticed a large group gathering around a board....RESULTS!!!

I stood in line forever until I had the list all to myself. I started looking for my name from the bottom up....and up....and up...until there it was....in 9th place!!!!!! I was the only ninth female out of 144 to cross the line!!!! And my official time was actually 25:18! (apparently it took 59 seconds for me to actually cross the start line from where I was in the group).

I had really almost left because I knew I wasn't going to being awarded anything and I was tired and hungry. Suddenly I didn't care I wanted to see how I did in my age group....I might actually get a trophy!!!! Sure enough 2nd place 20-24 age group and they called my name! My sisters went wild! The top finisher was 20 minutes and some change....no way I could have caught her!

I still can't quite believe it....9th overall female and 2nd in my age group....I'm officially a runner!

To reward myself I went straight to a specialty running store and replaced my $15 walmart shoes with a pair of Asics picked out just for me by the very kind girl that watched me run around the store in 12 different pairs of shoes....I love them! I love running! I love racing....I'm hooked!!!

I know this was a VERY long post, but it also serves as my race journal for now....sorry guys!

Back to school

2008-01-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

Well my 6 month probationary period at the university is almost over and it's time to start thinking about entering a masters program next fall. With tuition paid for, living on campus, and no kids it's the best time work on it.

I have pretty much decided that I want to get an accounting masters. It would mean alot more prerequisite classes which means more time, but I can do it. Here are my reasons....

First...I enjoy accounting
Second...it would further my career at UWG and make me more desirable for any job
Third...it will help with our own personal finances and when/if we both end up working from home and/or running our own businesses, it will be a HUGE help with that.

So there ya go. Now I just need to start studying!

Illuminate the NO's in their vacancy signs...

2008-01-10T10:14:00.000-05:00

So the bed did arrive, and it's amazing! Our bedroom actually looks like a bedroom instead of leftovers from a garage sale. It's unreal what a difference it made. I came home from work yesterday to find books scattered in a semi circle at the foot and suspiciously rumpled covers....Norm apparently likes the new bed as well.

On the down side, along with the bed came 10 boxes of stuff from my childhood, my mom likes to spring this kind of stuff on us without warning. Everything from the band I wore at the hospital to my softball uniform and Awanas stuff. I threw everything away except for one teddy bear that wasn't old and icky, two stuffed pigs, and an engraved silver cup.

It was VERY painful. I cried the whole time. Why is it that even good memories hurt?

Despite the difficulties though I got it all done in 2 and a half hours. I just had to make the decision....do I want to save this stuff for no other purpose than to have my children go through it when I die? okay then, out it goes. It's all just stuff. It took my quite some time to determine that throwing away the things doesn't mean I'm throwing away memories. I'm just tossing out the musty smelly symbols of those memories.

I did find several letters from Rebekah and Elisabeth from when we were all about 10-12...that was pretty fun. Probably my favorite line was from one of Elisabeth's lamenting the end of a beach trip......"Farewell blissful summer holiday!"

She was the coolest 11 year old I've ever know :)

I also love that Rebekah used the word "annually" to indicate something she did every year.

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied

2008-01-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'm tired and emotional, all of which I blame on jet lag from our "super smith/sosebee family vacation." Therefore and can't be held entirely responsible for the following post.

I feel out of touch. Like I'm living life but not truly feeling, breathing, experiencing it.

Maybe we all go through this. Maybe it's the switch back to 8-5 work mode. Maybe it's the lack of a consistent prayer life. Maybe I need to pull myself together.

New year and the ever present resolutions....

- Make a conscious effort to cultivate my relationship with Christ
- Be able to touch my toes
- Lose these last few pesky pounds
- Stick with and maintain our household budget
- Celebrate one year of marriage....can't believe it's almost been a whole year!

Last year my new years resolutions were.....get married, check. lose weight, check.

I can't remember the other ones which is sure sign that I didn't complete them. It helps to only remember the ones you succeed at I think....as far as I know I achieved all my goals for last year.

We're supposed to be getting a king sized bed today....I am very excited. Don't get me wrong I adore our little plywood queen with the staples in the headboard, and the twisted frame supported by cinder blocks that shudders and quakes if you look at it too harshly and threatens to fall all to pieces if you somersault across it.

Okay that's a lie.....I hate that bed. I have permanent bruises on my leg from running into the sharp foot board corners and I have long since tired of putting king sized sheets on a queen sized bed. Not to mention the cinder blocks invariably scrape up the toes of my dress shoes that live under the bed.

Here's hoping it all goes well!

Welcome to Our World

2007-12-18T08:49:00.000-05:00

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You've been promised, we've been waiting
Welcome Holy Child, Welcome Holy Child

Hope that You don't mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home, Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven's silence
Welcome to our world, Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born, Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us Holy
Perfect Son of God, Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

Somehow this song in all it's simplistic beauty touches me deeper than any other Christmas song. May we never grow accustomed to the idea of Word becoming flesh and saving our lives. May it always inspire awe, wonder, and a passionate loyalty.

I love you Jesus. I know I don't always show it well, or say it well, or spend the time together that we need to grow and cultivate our relationship. But I love you with all my heart.

I want to be done!

2007-12-17T11:06:00.001-05:00

Only four and half more days of work before I have a week off! Not to mention I tacked on a couple days of annual leave at the end to accommodate our 10 day trip to Hawaii!!!!

I can't wait. I've never been on a cruise before and if it weren't for the incredible generosity of Norm's grandparents I wouldn't be going now. To be perfectly honest the idea of a cruise never really appealed to me...it all seemed so touristic, how could you ever really get a feel for the place?

But somehow this one is timed just right. What I need is a vacation. Most of my past "vacations" are really more like explorations. Sometimes I know where I will stay on any given night, sometimes I don't. It's exciting, thrilling, often times scary, but always an adventure.

What I need right now is rest, relaxation, the calm assurance that everything is already booked and taken care of. Somebody else is in charge of making sure that my transportation is on time. Other people can be responsible, and I can rest. For ten whole days.

I don't care about meeting native islanders, getting to know the customs, or integrating into the culture. Call me selfish, spoiled, a tourist. I say whatever. I need a break. I want to come back from this trip and feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and most importantly, not wishing I could take a vacation from my vacation.

We'll be doing cool stuff like snorkeling, hiking through the forests and swimming in freshwater pools, lounging on the beach, taking a helicopter ride over the volcanoes, and eating amazing food among other things. Not one atom of my being cares that all of these excursions are set up for tourist groups.

All I care about is that I don't have to DO anything. I'm tired, I'm drained, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about ten whole days relaxing with the love of my life and my new extended family, without having to wonder if the boy the little island lady sent to fish that morning will be back in time for me to have lunch.

Random events that make up my life

2007-12-11T16:31:00.001-05:00

I'm terrible at blogging....for some reason living with Megan made it easy, we over dramatized everything and accompanied by Elisabeth had never ending ridiculous stories to tell. Like getting locked out of my car in the middle of the night and taunting Bo until he woke Megan up to let me in after Elisabeth picked me up from UNC, or training for a half marathon....that one afternoon.

So in an attempt to right my ways here is what I've been up to over the last month....

First my brother and Elisabeth's sister got married, that means I have to be somehow Elisabeth's sister-in-law once removed right? I'll take it! It was a very sweet ceremony and Emily was cute as a puppy, naturally.

That trip also marked the first time I saw Elisabeth since she left for Peru, I almost cried. We have both grown and changed so much, and yet we never really change. Like when we saw each other after about ten years and almost seamlessly picked the friendship back up. Maybe that's what Anne from her little green gable meant about being kindred spirits. Or maybe not, but I'd like to think it's something special. I like special things.

I got to see my extended family for the first time in a long time....since well before my own wedding at least. I got alot of digs about not inviting anybody to the wedding, but what can I say....I'm happy with the choices I made and they will have to get over it if they want to play with the future kids.

Speaking of family I spent Thanksgiving with my new family on the Smith side. It was a blast really...we went up to a cabin in north Georgia and it was like a real family....uncles and cousins and nieces and....everything. It was good for me. As was the cake and wine.

I also turned 24 on the 2nd. It was rather uneventful. Mostly because the day before we traveled to Tennessee for a judo tournament. It lasted all day long and I fought two divisions. I won one and took second in the other. I also got a concussion and pulled a tendon in my wrist and another girl broke her ankle. Then we all went out to dinner and I ate like a maniac!!! It was amazing!

So my birthday was spent sleeping basically all day long...spectacular. Then dinner with dad and Rachel and more eating. It was a good weekend for the belly.

Well I'm off to the gym....more blogging later I promise!

Judo, Judo, and more Judo....

2007-11-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

I am living a full life. I am enjoying it. And then somebody I haven't seen in a long time asks me what I have been up to...

"uhhhh....I work and I work out"

That is my life in a nutshell. I wake up early and workout, then I go to work all day, come home throw something in my stomach that won't hurt if I vomit it back up and head off to judo practice, come home, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Now granted right now I am only getting three judo practices a week. That means I should have four evenings off right? I have no idea. I don't even remember most of the evenings if they don't involve a judo workout and even those run together.

Norm: "what happened last night?"
Me: "weren't you there? was that the night Shevelle worked with Monica? that was cool to watch....ummm I think we worked Harai or was that blind randori night?"

Weekend evenings I usually get to relax....I think, it's tough to remember. What I do know though is that I am thoroughly enjoying each moment, and I am extremely lucky. I work a five minute walk from my apartment, my husband works for the same university, so I get to see him until 7:52 in the morning, everyday at lunch, and I'm back home by 5:05pm. Not to mention we share a love for judo so those evening workouts don't take me away from my family.

So even though when people ask what I do my only answer is "work and work out" that doesn't begin to encompass the depth that is my newlywedded life! May I never take this time for granted.

Step by step...

2007-10-31T07:29:00.001-05:00

I am slowly but surely in the process of changing my lifestyle to a healthy one. It has not been easy, in fact it's been terribly painful, but I have learned alot.

Here are some of the more significant points in no particular order...

I am a spoiled brat

I have control issues (i.e. fear of not having it)

I will never regret getting up at six and working out, I may regret not doing it. So I should always do what's guaranteed.

A healthy life comes about by making one smart decision at a time.

When trying to get in shape I should never start or stop doing something that I can't keep up forever (cutting out ice cream for example).

Setting tiny, easily achievable goals at first sets up a pattern of success that will get me through when I want to quit.

Wanting to be thin will not help me get in shape.

Wanting to win senior nationals and be able to play with my great grand kids will.

Low calories does not mean good diet.

Food tastes better when I'm hungry the next day than when I'm full right now.

Getting 8 hours of sleep is worth going to bed at 10:00.

Taking control of my food, exercise, and sleep routines helps me to let go in other areas.

So there you go. It's nothing earth shattering, but it is gradually changing my life. And on top of that, it is starting to wake me up to what it means to live a Christ following lifestyle. Those thoughts are much less refined though so it could be a while before you hear more about that.

Beaten

2007-10-25T07:16:00.000-05:00

I run this wide open course, like the sagging spirit of an older horse.

That about sums up how I feel today. I'm still going, haven't changed my route, but I'm just worn out. I do the things I do, not because I want to, just because it's what I do. I had a frustrating workout last night and Norm had to work late so I called up a friend from NC that I miss terribly. It was great to catch up, and I felt better for venting, but it made me really miss North Carolina and all the people I love there. So I went to bed in a melancholy mood and slept fitfully all night long.

Nightmares haunted my sleep and chased the dreams away. Nightmares about baby animals drowning and snakes in the amazon.

So I drug my sleepless self out of bed an hour after the alarm went off and attempted to struggle through my morning routine. I was running late and didn't get breakfast, only had enough filtered water to fill my water bottle up half way and slumped out the front door after taking Norm's offering of a banana and stuffing it in my purse along with all other articles known to man. I really need to clean that thing out.

But anyway...it was just a bad twelve hours.

Now I'm exhausted, monotone, ready to call in sick to work except that I'm already here and aside from being generally down, am clearly not sick.

God help me get through this day...also...I love You.

Passion without Foundation

2007-10-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Something I have noticed is the rising trend in amazingly passionate individuals, striving for a cause, a change, a revolution. Passionate individuals without a clue. Those people standing on the corner crying for reform with no knowledge of the current system except that they don't like it. No way of explaining their ideas without an emotionally charged vocabulary that sets themselves up to be taken down by the opposing side and dismissed as fanatics.

I don't disagree with them necessarily. However, unbridled enthusiasm must flow from a solid foundation in order to actually make a difference. The wind itself can roar all it wants but with nothing solid around would it matter? Good ideas presented to skeptics with nothing but passion to guide, only bring laughter and the idea's shot down and the skeptic won't look twice again. So put on some armor before charging to battle and make sure that the cavalry's there. Only then will the ripples turn into waves that appease a world thirsting for change.

Home is where you clean alot

2007-10-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom on Saturday, Norm was off coaching a judo tournament and I decided to take the day off. I needed a day, all to myself, to regroup from the past several weeks of running around and driving to North Carolina and competing and working and working out.

I didn't get out of bed until 10:45! Then the fun started...

I didn't realize how out of sorts the past couple of weeks had left me until, all alone, just me and the apartment, I began cleaning. I opened the windows and let Fall into the house. I missed her. Then armed with cleaners in various citrus medleys, I chased the stuffy, hot, sticky Summer out.

It was wonderful!

For nearly six hours I picked up, washed, scrubbed, sorted, and folded to my heart's delight.

Anybody that has known me from childhood would be surprised at how much I enjoyed myself and how important that kind of activity is, but this is my apartment. I'm taking care of my family. I love it. I need it. And Norm needs it too.

There is a very delicate balance in our lives, I have found, and housework factors in. When either ends up carrying the whole load, neither is quite right until the balance is reestablished. I never would have guessed that, but with the house sparkling tranquility reigns again and we had a wonderful Sunday!

Academia

2007-10-09T12:59:00.000-05:00

I really enjoy walking to and from work across campus. I kind of makes me miss being in class myself, taking notes, stressing over test scores. But at the time I would have told you that I couldn't wait to get out and not have to worry about whether or not going out with my friends would affect my test and thus my class and thus the rest of my life.

I was a little fanatic.

I enjoy watching the students from my office window, contemplating what classes they are in, where they want their lives to go and why in the world you would ever pair that shirt and those pants and shoes!

I smile to myself at the number of girls that walk around with that red circle on the back of their calves that comes from sitting cross legged for long periods of time. It amuses me mostly because I get those all the time, especially during church or at work, I have to try not to cross my legs too long when I'm meeting with somebody important, otherwise the last thing they see will be a lovely young lady with a large red splotch on the back of her leg. Not charming.

185 days left...

2007-10-08T09:08:00.000-05:00

So today is officially day 1 of serious training. Too bad I slept in and didn't workout this morning!

Never fear though...Norm promises to make up for it by starting our evening workout an hour earlier! YAY!

Okay yes there was a good deal of sarcasm there...but not completely...I am determined to follow through on this goal, but that doesn't mean I have to give up all tantrums, just some of them.

The Judo US Open is coming to Atlanta in two weeks. I plan on volunteering that weekend partially for the t-shirt, but mostly to see some awesome Judo and maybe get even more motivated to step up my game.

I figure most of these judo posts are going to bore my readers into oblivion, but I'm okay with that...this is really to keep me on track so hang with me for a bit, promise I'll throw some amusing anecdotes in from time to time...like this weekend when I asked one of my teammates to braid my hair in pigtails and I ended up with 8-10 hair bands in my hair and two braids sticking out of the back of my head like antennae. Pictures soon I promise :)

Working things out

2007-10-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

I want to go to Nationals this year for Judo. The end.

Except that it's not. I have a long LONG way to go before I'm ready. Luckily I just found out that there is another club where we can work out at on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That means I have potentially 5 or 6 Judo workouts I can go to every week. Not to mention my normal daily routine.

Now is the time to make a choice. Do I really want to go to Nationals? am I willing to put in the time and effort and finances that would get me there?

Or would I rather work out twice a week here at home and do my little 40 minute workout in the mornings, enjoy my three evenings off (not counting weekends) and be happy with my gradual incline in Judo skill.

I get told I have potential...not just in Judo but in Golf and Equestrian Eventing and Guitar and Dog Training and....

Maybe it's time I buckled down and did something with it.

Maybe it's time I stopped being scared of committing and really threw myself into something with everything I have.

I could really do this I think. I probably wouldn't win, but I think it's about time I gave myself a fighting chance!

She plays her life back in slow motion...

2007-10-03T14:18:00.000-05:00

After almost a year of mourning I finally gave up on my GBS CDs finding their way back to me so I ordered the same two...again...

I love them! They bring joy to my face!

On days like today when the sky is dreary and my mood is melancholy and I sit at my desk staring at the computer without actually seeing anything...you'd never guess that inside my head I'm dancing a jig to Donkey Riding.

We made a trip to Chapel Hill last weekend and worked out with Bushido...

It was alot of fun and it was great to visit for a bit but it was very strange...all the things that made Chapel Hill home (mostly just Megan and Elisabeth) were gone. Almost everywhere we went I saw ghosts of myself running with Bo, or sitting in Open Eye or walking Megan to work in the morning while drinking a mimosa out of a nalgene bottle.

As Saturday night rolled around I was overwhelmingly sad and couldn't quite figure out why....then I realized...I missed Norm. Even though he was standing right next to me.

Being in the all the spots where we used to eat and walk on the weekend visits brought back all the emotions, good and bad, that went with it.

But this time as the weekend drew to a close he didn't drive off without me, I didn't cry on Sunday night, and when I woke up the next morning he was still there.

Amazing.

I love the many turns my life takes...it always catches me by surprise and I never know what's going to happen next. And best of all...

No commercials!

Jogging

2007-10-01T13:49:00.001-05:00

So I had the grand idea of going jogging every Monday while the beginning Judo class is going on, since I'm mostly just underfoot anyway...and then I'd join them afterwards for the regular workout.

Tragically that day has come...and as I watch the minutes slowly tick by each movement brings me that much closer to the dreaded moment...

Pray for me!

Life as vacation...

2007-09-26T15:37:00.000-05:00

So...

Seeing as I have been married for over four months now I feel that I can speak authoritatively on the subject.

I love it

It's like being on vacation with your best friend all the time...except for when it's not and it's difficult and feels a little like work, and I love that too.

The only thing wrong with feeling like it's vacation all the time is that it's not. It's real life and that means that I cannot eat ice cream everyday.

Well I suppose I could....

I am physically capable of it....

But after a couple of weeks I wouldn't be physically capable of doing much else.

The great tragedy of our world is that vegetables do not taste like ice cream.

Wedded Bliss

2007-09-25T14:59:00.000-05:00

And it is....mostly

Difficult but beautiful

What love isn't?

I haven't blogged in so long nobody probably checks this anymore. More freedom for me to say whatever I want with no repercussions right? Maybe.

I lost the need for blogger when I moved back and got married I think. It felt a little wrong telling the internet something before I told my fiancé, now husband. And once I told him I didn't feel like I needed to write about it. So why am I writing now you may ask.

I have no idea.

Because I wanted to and I guess that about sums it up. I have nothing profound to say, I miss Elisabeth, I miss Megan, I miss Sarah, but I wouldn't go back for anything. At the time it was the happiest time of my life, but right now now is the happiest time of my life and I cherish every minute.

Except for when the alarm goes off, then I throw a temper tantrum, flailing about, yelling at the sun for coming up and throwing anything within reach, only to apologize later for any physical injuries Norm incurred in the process. Poor boy, he offers me coffee every morning even though I turn it down every morning. I think it's a desperate attempt to tame the demon that arises every day at 6am from the same spot where he left his wife the night before.

I love his patience and perseverance...every morning...

Demon *angrily*: "I curse you sun for rising today!"
writhing and flailing ensues

Norm *tentatively*: "you want me to fix you a cup of coffee?"

Demon *growling*: "No!"
Commence throwing of objects

Half an hour later....

Wife: "I wuvs you baby"
Snuggling onto the couch

I never said his life would be simple

A Skoly by any other name....

2007-05-05T11:41:00.000-05:00

So I've looked back over old blogs...I guess at this point even my last log is old but hey, I've been busy planning a wedding so lay off....

Anyway I was thinking sometimes I sound very silly and....

Well that's it, that was the end of my thought.

But sometimes I say brilliant and insightful things and I wonder.....who was I plagiarizing when I wrote that?

I change my last name in two weeks, almost to the minute. AAAHHHHHH

Maple Trees

2007-03-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

I want to be a little girl again.

I know that sounds silly.

I don't care.

I'm 23 years old, will I never grow up?

Sometimes I wonder at me, I'm going to be getting married soon and I still like to take my shoes off and roll up my jeans and play in the creek. I can't keep still in the grocery store and I firmly believe that green grassy hills were made to be rolled down. Maybe I am just a little girl after all, playing at being grown up.

I want to be eat ice cream and cross my ankles and swing my feet from up in a tree. Standing on the ground looking up thinking about where I am now and how I want to be higher. I jump and grab hold of the lowest branch and then pull myself up and wrap around it hanging upside down like the stereotypical pictures of sloths. Then a quick spin and I'm there. Perched on the branch and thoroughly pleased with myself. I can go anywhere from there. I prop myself up in the branches and contemplate the shape of the leaves. How when I step just so the branch moves and it looks like an owl in flight, I can hold onto the trunk with one hand and poke my foot out as far as it will go and push the branch up and down and watch the wings move. In the winter it's sad because the leaves have fallen and the owl is just an unrecognizable array of twigs and branches.

Somebody beautiful once said "I like to perch."

I think he is brilliant.

How far is Heaven?

2007-03-06T10:28:00.000-05:00

What is it that we are waiting for?

What is this life?

Is it the eve of the eternal Sabbath?

The engagement period prior to the union between Christ and His Bride?

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a desert under the vast expanse of the sky, on my knees with my hands raised in submissive exasperation and I'm crying out "Where are you and what do you want from me?" Only to have my plea echoed back against invisible canyon walls.

I love Him.

Love...

2007-02-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

"Murder or stealing or adultery might be a flashing, neon blue line, but gossip is often only a faint silver thread: innocent, hard to distinguish. But then when I look back on a conversation, it strays so very far away from what love is supposed to look like."

Sarah Edwards is brilliant.

She also happened to touch on a subject I had been thinking about lately. I gripe a lot lately and if it's starting to getting on my nerves I'm scared to think of how it looks to everybody else. They must be thinking...geez is she on her period all the time or what?...I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be the person, or even a person, who is always talking behind somebody's back. I don't want to say anything about anybody that I haven't told them to their face.

When I was growing up I was taught that talking behind somebody's back was wrong because the person wasn't there to defend themselves. However my recent line of thinking goes beyond that. I think it's wrong because, as Sarah said, it's not love. If somebody's behavior is irksome or annoying or worse actually dangerous and stupid, and I tell everybody except them how I feel about it then not only am I not expressing love because I'm spending all my time speaking negatively about something, I am also not expressing love because in the end the person can't know to change a behavior if they are not aware of it and nobody tells them. So it is grossly unfair for me to complain about something to somebody else before I have informed the subject of said annoyance. If it were me I'd want my friends to tell me.

I have several very honest friends who told me that my driving sucked and was scary...I changed the way I drive. It took a little while and working on a lot of insurance claims to really see what everybody was talking about, but all the forces combined with three months of driving out west changed the way I drive. I don't think I'm the best driver out there and I get very nervous when I think I'm with somebody who will be critical of my driving, but I'm generally a safe driver and people aren't scared to ride with me anymore. Or maybe they just don't tell me anymore....oh dear...

Anyway...that's beside the point...what I'm trying to say is that I either need to be honest with friends if something bothers me, or I need to keep my mouth shut. Period.

Waiting on the World to Change

2007-02-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well I fought and I fought but I knew they'd get me eventually...

I had to switch to the "new" blogger. It kept getting harder and harder to find the button that would allow me to keep using the old one and finally I got a message saying that I had to switch whether I like it or not.

I guess in the end it's all the same, everything seems to look that way anyway, but it was the principal of the thing!

Why am I so adverse to change? I change all the time, I move, I learn, I move, I travel, I move. So why is that I get upset when other things in my life change? I want everything to stay the same except for me, I'm allowed to grow and expand my horizons and change wholly and completely through and through, but if the color of the shutters on a neighboring house changes I flip out. Very odd.

You know what else is odd? I bought lemon squares today. Okay there is nothing inherently strange about buying lemon squares, unless of course you are either a. allergic to them or b. a cat. Now that would be weird...but I digress...so I bought lemon squares today, you know what...I've decided I don't want to tell this story anymore, so let's pretend it ends here.

Have you ever wanted to be a cat? I have, I still do. I want to be a lot of things like a deer and a panther and wolf and a dolphin and a horse. None of which involve being a secretary for an insurance adjuster. I also want to work in wildlife rehabilitation and be a vet, and I want to take amazing pictures for magazines and travel the world while building homes for people that can't do it themselves. Above everything else in the world though....I want to be a bird, not even some big exotic or powerful bird just a swallow or a wren, actually probably a cardinal, not the evil kind that had it in for the musketeers, the little red ones that eat seeds and flit around. Except I'd have to be a boy, because who wants to be a female cardinal, all brown and quiet. That would be silly.

Hummingbirds are nice too.

Prodigal Daughter Returns to Blogger

2007-02-22T19:43:00.000-05:00

I went through and caught up on Megan's blog today

It made me want to blog again, I miss it

I'll start tomorrow

Youth in all its glory

2007-02-01T00:03:00.001-05:00

I have just fallen even more in love with Sarah Edwards and I almost wanted to go down and edit my short list of amazing people. However, I have found her brilliance so enchanting that I decided she deserved a blog entry all her own. She amazes me with her wit and charm in a way that assures me that Elisabeth was not just a random fluke but that both were products of a loving family that put an emphasis on education and allowed their children to be the brilliant, creative, inspiring women that they are.

Sarah Edwards you restore my shakeable hope for the future. I only wish I could be more like you, but I was running late when God was creating personalities and ran past the eloquence line and begged two helpings of crazy to try and catch up with the others.

My only complaint my love is that I must first sign up for Xanga before I can see your blog, it was a small price to pay because I knew I would be more than rewarded I just hope others make that sacrifice as well...or is this your way of weeding out the dispassionate and uncommitted? In which case I commend your upholding of standards.

I obviously have none and am so desperate that I even disabled the comment blocker so now anyone can comment. *sigh* We cannot all be so inspiring as to have the luxury of filtering our readers.

I tip my cute little black hat to you.

As yourself...

2007-01-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

Christ said to love our neighbors as ourselves. That means to love other people with the same love that we hold for our own lives. Most times this gets translated into put others first...treat others the way you want to be treated...etc. What if you don't love yourself?

Does it work the other way?

If I don't appreciate the supreme gift that is my life can I truly value somebody else's? If I don't see myself as the beautiful child of God that He is slowly and painstakingly pruning to be part of His Son's own Bride, if I don't stand in awe at my own insignificant nature that His love transforms into something priceless and treasured, if I don't respect that my body really is His dwelling pace, a temple crafted for His glory and perfect in all it's "flaws," if I don't truly, honestly and wholeheartedly love myself for who I am in Christ...how could I ever know what it means to love one another as ourselves?

Just a thought.

I may add more later.

You Can't Go Home Again...

2007-01-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

*Disclaimer- The author of this post is not responsible for any cheesiness in the post that follows. It's not her fault, she is in love, deal with it.

I have a few thoughts on that phrase and they are as follows....

Why do people say that? What do they mean by it? Do they mean that if you stay gone a really long time, like years or something, the place will have changed so much in one direction and you in another that it ceases to be the same place that you left and you can't get back to the way it was before? Well if so then that is as true and obvious a statement as "you're only young once." So why is it that we need to be reminded? Maybe lots of people remember with fondness, and a false sense of utopia, their old home town. Maybe they all picture sitting with their friends reading books on a lawn or daily visits to the soda shop and exploiting the local library.

This I can understand because that is what I remember most about Davidson North Carolina. Maybe part of moving back was a quest for something so long sought and so tragically lost. I still remember the pain and tears and tantrums when we were told once again that we would be packing everything up and moving, this time to a new state. Poor Georgia, we hated you so and it wasn't your fault. So maybe in some aspects it was an attempt at healing that eleven year old wound left on the heart of an eleven year old girl.

So what did the move actually teach me? Well it neither proved nor denied the truth in the statement "you can't go home again." I did reconnect with old friends and we were able to reform the bond that held us and strengthen it beyond imagination. I did for the first time feel like I was "home." I learned that I don't really have a home in the sense of a geographical place on Earth, I've moved too many times for that. What I have are people that love me, care for me and accept me.

As corny as it sounds I may not have learned whether or not you can truly go home again, but I did learn that "home is where the heart is" is about the truest statement ever painted onto wooden plaques by little old ladies in craft shows. I think maybe when we moved so quickly I left my heart in North Carolina, which would explain why crossing that state line always sent waves of joy over me. So naturally at some point in my life I had to go back and retrieve it before I could give it to somebody else. And as soon as I did that that feeling of being "home" transferred to a little apartment in the bottom floor of a dorm in Carrollton, Georgia. And I suddenly discovered I was very far from it.

So in a twist of poetic irony I found myself making the same move I did half my life ago, only this time under my own power, rejoicing at the sight of the Georgia welcome sign and the sweet sound of Norm's voice over the radio........"Welcome home."

A Farewell...

2007-01-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

Well I won't be blogging for the next several days since I'm MOVING tomorrow and Saturday. I think I'm going to be sick! Here we go again...

Once again two things I want are mutually exclusive and I have to leave one to get to the other. Once again I will leave alot of people confused and possibly hurt. Once again my life is about to be loaded up into a vehicle and driven far away.

Now I don't want anyone in Georgia thinking that I'm not excited about getting to be near them, or that I'm not overjoyed at the prospect of living within ten minutes of Norm, but I'm going through the transition so it may sound that way.

So here's to North Carolina and everything it's given over the last several months...

To Megan for being the most amazing roommate ever and for helping make our apartment a home and for all the meals you cooked for me and for honestly thinking about cleaning and for the pies and ironing my clothes and dragging Elisabeth and I out of bed so that you could feed us. For supporting all my decisions even if some of them took some convincing.

To Elisabeth for bringing so much laughter and ridiculousness into my life. For keeping me in touch with reality, but joining me when I drifted from it. For all the midnight cookiedough and grilled cheese sandwiches. For that late night trip to the ocean ; ) For watching Bo for the weekend and even letting him sleep in the bed, I appreciate the sacrifice. For being our roommate.

To Sensei Darian for all the time and effort you put into this yellow belt. For all the individual attention and the support when I needed it most. Also for giving me the room with the fireplace and the giant queen sized airbed.

To Shelly for being an amazing workout partner and friend and putting up with all my suckiness. For all the times you made me keep working at a throw until I had it right only to have to start over again the next time.

To Tristan and Shawn for enjoying beating me up just a little too much, and for taking all my big talk in stride and then making me tap out over and over and over and....well just thanks.

To the rest of the North Carolina judoka, thank you all for your dedication to the sport and to your students and fellow judoka.

I know most of these people don't, and probably never will, read this, but I wanted it out there anyway. It makes me feel a little bit better about the abruptness of the move. This place became more of a home in three months than anywhere I've ever been, but it was made that way by people, and if nothing else it taught me the value of having a home and surrounding yourself with people that truly love you.

So I do appreciate everything that I learned over these last several months, it was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Now it's time to look forward though and I have an insane amount of things to do today so in a final toast...

here's to you North Carolina I will miss you dearly!

Moving.....again

2007-01-23T12:28:00.000-05:00

So it looks like I'm going to get to fulfill my desire to take off sooner than expected...I may be moving back down to Georgia this weekend. It's not exactly a roadtrip....it would be more of a full fledged emergency mode evacuation at the last minute, but hey, beggars can't be choosers....

Wanderlust

2007-01-22T18:36:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Steinbeck's Travels with Charley about his trek across the United States back in the fifties. It makes me ache to travel. He talks about places that I have been and it reminds me of the wonder that filled my own soul upon discovery. He speaks of places I haven't been and I'm filled with a burning curiosity to meet them myself and to see things that he hasn't seen. To relearn what once captured my imagination and to visit new places that I've never even thought to imagine.

I need a road trip...I need someplace different to see and to know and to experience. I have been relatively stable over the last several months, but that feeling that never quite dies is starting to creep over me again. I have no desire to move long-term to any new location, I just desire to be moving. I need a roadtrip. A ride to someplace new...

"When I was very young and the urge to be someplace else was upon me I was assured by mature people that maturity would cure this itch...I fear the disease is incurable."

Well said John, well said.

Other Blogs...

2007-01-21T02:08:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me that some of you may be missing out on the brilliance that is my circle of friends so here is a short list of splendid people....

Marc Baumgardner

Megan DeLuca

Elisabeth Edwards

Jonathan Skolrood

Their thoughts, musings and comments on life daily remind me what is beautiful and worthy of being sought. May you derive as much inspiration from their insight as I do.

Cooking without Megan

2007-01-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

In what can only be described as a story to challenge the "how to light a candle..." story, I tried to cook today. Megan is gone and while Norm prodded me to go to the grocery store I just couldn't quite convince myself to do that when I still had edible things in the house so.....

I began by boiling water....good start

then I got a box of pasta....also good

then I put the pasta in the water....now we were getting somewhere

Then I noticed a can of chicken broth and it dawned on me....chicken noodle soup....genius!!!

Well I have peas also...I've seen peas in chicken noodle soup and I know they put peas in chicken pot pie....so maybe a bit risky but what the hell...I dumped a can of peas into the chicken broth that was heating up while my noodles were cooking....so far still doing all right.

Then it happened, in a startling twist of fate I noticed the can of tuna...and in my cooking genius state of mind that I was in it only seemed logical....tuna is a pretty basic plain meat, sort of has chicken texture. Surely if I put this in the pot with the peas and chicken broth it will end up tasting like chicken.....and so it began.

In all my cooking glory I rinsed and dumped the tuna into the pot as well....

Have you ever gone to the ocean and gotten out of the car and thought...geez what a horrible dead fish smell and you wait for your nostrils to adjust?...imagine all that fun but without the sand and surf and seashells. Just the smell. The horrible, something just puked up something rotten that had eaten a poisoned fish carcass smell. And you don't adjust.

It was so pungent I thought well maybe if I put the noodles into the pot anyway it will help...and I unceremoniously dumped the ill fated noodles into the liquid stench.

Poor noodles.

Well at this point I had put so much effort toward this meal that by golly I was going to eat it so I poured a heaping helping into a bowl topped it with plenty of butter and salt, the logic behind this action will not even attempt to be explained at this point, and I ate it.

Most of it anyway.....

Okay some of it.

In truth it didn't taste quite like the impending death the smell promised but it was that smell that I just could not escape. By the time you smell it in the bowl and then the spoon there is no way I was going to convince my mouth that it was a worthy addition to the contents of my stomach.

Bo was thrilled.

I ate spaghetti.

Please come home Megan.

An engaging story

2007-01-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

So I know I haven't posted in a while I apologize....I was busy getting ENGAGED!!!!!!! Which all of you probably know at this point. So there you go, dad no longer has to call and harass me every time he hears Desperado, and mom doesn't have to worry that the divorce screwed me up for life.

How do I feel about the whole thing?....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't be happier.....unless of course I wasn't six hours away, that would be nice. Not to say that I don't adore Megan and living with her and North Carolina in general, it's just....

Okay it's pathetic is what it is, me with all my leaving on a whim and not looking back and tramping around the country and world and now I can't leave a boy without crying and aching and wanting desperately to be back with him. And I wouldn't trade that feeling for all the insane adventures in the world.

I found something more beautiful than Zion, more thrilling than Moai, more inspiring than Machu Picchu, and more calming than Big Sur and the rolling hills of California, yet what amazes me most........is that he loves me too.

Who Am I?

2007-01-08T00:41:00.000-05:00

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

~ Casting Crowns

A year in sentences

2007-01-07T18:45:00.000-05:00

So following Megan's example to follow somebody else's example, revealing my secret desire to be Megan in every aspect, here are the first sentences to the first blog for every month of the last year....

January: I wonder sometimes why me and my dog get along so well.

February: Here is just a random list of things that bring joy to my face.....

March: Where oh where has my competitive spirit gone?

April: Ocassionaly I feel like my life is a movie and I'm just watching from the outside.

May: So it's all over...I made it through and on Wednesday May 10th 2006 I will officially be a college graduate.

June: Well I´ve been in Surco, a district of Lima, for almost a week now. (Peru Blog)

July: No blogging, still in Peru.

August: No blogging, still in Peru.

September: It's good to be home after three months in Peru, it's amazing how it seemed like I had lived there for years and now it already feels like a dream.

October: AHHHHHHHH I'm trying to move in a week, I have packed nothing!

November: So my roomies computer went down which means that free wireless at the complex doesn't do us a whole lot of good.

December: Paradigm Shift

So that's it...a year at a glance. What an incredible year it was too.

All in good time...

2007-01-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

So I would just like to point out to all the people that think that me getting a boyfriend is insane or somehow against my nature...

I have successfully kept a dog for almost three years, a pair of goldfish for a year and a half, a plant for a year, and said boyfriend for two months.

When I checked this morning they were all still alive and seemed to be doing quite well actually.

I think this speaks volumes for how much I've grown up over the last couple of years, considering that I'm pretty sure I was resposible for my gerbils death, and the frogs, and countless fish, and a few plants.

Also I would like to say that I think the idea of starting with a plant is ridiculous. Do you have any idea how easy it is to kill a plant? I think if you are going to run through the chain of difficulty you should actually start with something that won't let you kill it. Or will at least protest loudly to any attempts, whether through will or neglect. So in that case a plant is really what you should be working up.

Just a thought.

Commitment and Guilt

2007-01-04T13:47:00.000-05:00

So I turned Pal, the cocker spaniel, in to the local no-kill shelter. We just couldn't have the two dogs in one apartment. Last night a he cried like crazy and then in the morning as I pulled undergarments out of his mouth I couldn't wait to see him off. Then I got to the humane society.

I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as he bounced out of the car wondering what this new exciting place could be. As I explained why I was dropping him off I got a little bit dizzy. Then as soon as I handed the leash over I desperately refrained from snatching the leash back and avoided looking at Pal who was flopped out like a mop in traditional Pal style on the floor. When the guy moved away Pal happily followed and when I caught sight, through the doorway, of all the identical kennel runs surrounded by concrete the sick feeling turned to down right nausea and I made a beeline for the car, where I promptly broke down into uncontrolled sobs as I cradled Bo's head in my lap.

I felt like I had betrayed him. He was in my care, happy, healthy, and warm. Now he is in some kennel run with cement floors wondering where his people went. All he wants out of life is a bed, some food, and a tennis ball. All of which I had the power to give him, and now I have no control over what happens. He trusted me and I didn't even have the patience to find him a home myself.

You can tell me all day that he is just a dog. I don't care.

And then there were two...

2007-01-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

Well as of right now we have two dogs in the apartment. Crazy I know. I brought home a cocker spaniel in need of much TLC with the intention of dropping it off at a no kill shelter. Megan fell in love. He's a good little dog. He stays in the bathroom without protest...sits and everything on command...plays with toys...basically all the things that Bo does not do.

However another thing he does that Bo does not is reek to high heaven. I mean he is Filthy! I'm wearing down my scissors just trying to cut all the mats out of his wet muddy hair so that I can give him a bath and actually have some success with it. It's disgusting.

So we shall see if he survives...I have to get back to work or else the whole apartment is going to smell like nasty dog.

Comfort

2007-01-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was around.

Love came along, my favorite enemy,
We hit head-on.
Why you befriended me... I don't know.
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Could you be...

You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
You smoothed me out.
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.

I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow white field.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Caught up inside, all I wanna be...
Tried to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.

Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

All happy all the time

2006-12-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

Well it has been an awesome Christmas so far. I know, you are thinking it's over right? Wrong. It started off with the weekend at Norms folks and me wanting to throw up. Turns out meeting the parents was a little bit more nerve racking than expected, but after yelling just as his mom answered our phone call and spilling my entire glass of water once we got there things seemed to settle out and I had a blast. It was amazing, we laughed all the time, even in our sleep.

Well okay maybe not that much, but we did laugh an awful lot and I learned how to make squash casserole.

So one family down and several to go as we headed to my house Tuesday afternoon after a long night of making candy...or at least me following directions and trying not to screw anything up. It worked out well.

Well I have to go now....I've had the morning at my house with my new fuzzy socks, but now it's time to hit the ground running again, for smiles and hugs and kissing of babies.

I'm going to need a vacation.

I'll be home for Christmas

2006-12-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

Yay I leave for Georgia tomorrow and everything that goes with that!!!! But first I will stop at the Edwards' and see Jonathan who is coming in from South Korea! What an amazing holiday this is shaping up to be.

On top of everything else I got the TA job with the elementary school so tomorrow is officially my last day working for Bailey's. Although knowing me I will suggest that they leave me in the system so that I can be an emergency call-in. The only problem with that is that I never feel like coming in when they call so it really doesn't do anybody any good except that it lessens my guilt the day I announce my departure, i.e. today.

And.....my apartment is beautiful....well okay it's on it's way to beauty...I still have laundry to do when I get back from work, but other than that I have cleaned the whole thing wonderfully and now I just need to borrow a vacuum from my neighbors so I can finish the process....I am thoroughly pleased with myself.

The only thing that would make my life even more perfect right now is if these storm clouds would avoid flooding my car today.

Let the little children come

2006-12-19T11:53:00.001-05:00

So I visited with the kindergarten class that I will be working with if all goes well. I will find out for sure in a couple of hours. It's a long process apparently. At any rate that experience has further solidified my desire to teach my own children at home.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that you can't hit a child that is not your own and that you cannot let them run about the school with markers doing whatever the heck they want, but these are five and six year olds that spend all day being told not to play or goof off, to behave like adults. So while I understand that this method is probably necessary since they are trying to control several hundred children, I do not believe that it is the best way for a child to grow up.

If a five year old little girl comes running up and jumps into my arms I refuse to drop her and demand she line back up. By golly I'm going to hug her and probably flip her upside down and tickle her....then set her down and tell her she needs to line up before we both get in trouble. I know I won't be able to indulge that very much once I actually work for the school because if you let all of them do that then you lose the ability to make them all sit still for a lesson on the alphabet.

I know they need to maintain some sort of order, but once I have kids.....it's hugs and games all day long. It may include games like "help mommy sort the laundry" or "get the grape juice out of the gi before daddy comes home" but still....I refuse to let other people spend that much time with my kids at such a young age....I'm jealous and selfish, and I don't want to share.

Blogging

2006-12-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not so sure I like the idea of blogging after all. At first nobody read my blog and it was more like a journal than my own personal soapbox. Now you all do and anybody in the world has access to my day to day life. Up until today that did not bother me, but then I realized that there are a couple people, okay like one people, who I do not want to know the inner workings of my thoughts. Not that I would be ashamed of anything I have written, but just that little stories of my life are what I tell to my friends and if somebody is not my friend then they do not have the right to know whether I am happy or sad or stressed or anything really, but a blog gives them that ability and ceasing to speak to somebody does not prevent them from keeping track of my life if they so choose. I'm not entirely okay with that.

Hell hath no fury...

2006-12-15T19:49:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week. Period.

So far I have punched one guy, verbally assaulted another and made Norm's life hell over the last several days.

We really don't require that much, just three simple tasks...that they anticipate, meet, and then exceed all of our expectations with no clues from us...in fact we may even try to trick you.

And then we take your offerings....and slander your name while consuming them, damning you all to hell and all that.

If you are wondering why it is so difficult for men to give us what we want I shall tell you.....

we haven't the foggiest clue ourselves. It's like a game...where we make up all the rules and change them every 23 seconds without warning and men are supposed to have forseen the alteration and mastered it before we think it up.

Sucks for you all.

Deal with it.

We have cramps.

Rhyme and Reason

2006-12-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

I am coming to the conclusion that my reason for needing to be in North Carolina, and Chapel Hill specifically and Apt. H-12 to be even more specific, is because I am growing up. We are all growing up actually and I'm enjoying basking in my new found love of my womanhood. I love that all my friends...meaning Megan and Elisabeth...are girls.

Admittedly growing up may involve alot more alcohol than I had originally thought. I'm okay with that.

I came home last night from a six hour drive...it was 3:30am and I stumbled into the kitchen for something to drink before heading off to bed...I reached for the orange juice only to notice that somebody had already poured a glass and just not finished it....splendid. One nice big thirsty gulp proved that either the orange juice was so old it had fermented or my roommates had been misbehaving while I was gone. I went to bed orange juiceless.

But I digress....

What I was really desiring to convey in this blog is that I am truly beginning to grasp the perfection of God's timing in my life. This was my last opportunity to reconnect with Elisabeth in this stage of our lives and lay the foundation for a friendship that will last the rest of my life, and He also knew just how much I needed her and a roommate like Megan to make me comfortable with myself and all my incompetent ridiculousness. We burst into tears and get eaten by posters and scream with laughter until we can't see, eat like crazy and constantly affirm eachother and express our mutual adoration and devotion. This is life and friendship and fun in it's purest sense and I really needed that as I make the transition into adulthood and all the real world that comes with that. I love them both with all my heart and I can't wait to travel with them into the next stages of our crazy lives.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

2006-12-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how easily people are caught off gaurd if you do not follow the preset standard of behavior in a given situation? For example, when I wait on tables I say how you all today? and they say fine how are you? and I say SPECTACULAR thanks for asking!!! They tend to stop whatever they were doing and stare open mouthed for just a second before visibly coming to there senses and trying to remember what they were going to order. Try it sometime. It's fun. Or if you are supposed to be one place and you show up somewhere 436 miles away in the middle of the night...the response you get is what is commonly refered to as "dumbfounded" and will probably be accompanied by a heartattack. Also something you need to try, but you should probably start with the table thing and work your way up.

Dominoes

2006-12-09T08:06:00.000-05:00

I never knew how to play dominoes until last weekend...a fact that I now view as a serious deprivation of childhood. It was Mexican Train Dominoes to be precise and it is me newest obsession. It's all the fun of games like speed and nertz with none of the desire to scream profanity and/or leap across the living room floor and strangle your opponent. I find that a refreshing quality in a game as I would normally spend all my time in between games trying to unkey up to a socially acceptable level. Would that technically be keying down? It is now.

Speaking of keying up and down and whatever. I have found that nothing gets me quite as worked up as watching my old judo tournament videos...it drives me insane...you know how men like to scream at the tv during sports even though it won't make any difference (not to mention....like they could do any better) It's like that but sort of an out of body experience since it's me, It's also not live and I already know how they will all turn out, seeing as I was there and all, but none of that keeps from yelling and banging my head on the floor as I pick a girl up off of her feet and then set her back down without ever throwing. I find that phrases like COME ON!!!! WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT!?!?!?!?! and OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS PURE AND HOLY!!!!!!!...are helpful

I so should've had her...man that just irks me, and if you've never been irked let me just tell you it is a violent emotion.

Well actually most all my emotions are violent now that I think about it so I guess that doesn't really help you to understand. Elisabeth and I talked about that the other day, I have violent propensities. She does not. Then we changed topics. It's not that I actually want to hurt someone....I'm just very reactive. That's what we'll call it from now on I think, it sounds less socially awkward. At any rate no matter what you call it Judo does a good job of getting it out of my system....so if I ever discuss skipping Judo in front of you it would probably be in your best interest to encourage me to go.....especially if we plan on playing cards later.

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk

2006-12-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

So as much as I like to think that I am in control of my emotional state of being I have had to come to grips with the fact that other people's actions do affect my life. In addition I can't just operant condition my way out of everything.

I have come to the conclusion that even though I say my parents relationship had no effect (I never know which one to use so I will just alternate...it's one of the words I could never get straight) on my own view of relationships. It did.

On the plus side, accepting that fact leaves me open to deal with crap that I thought everybody went through but apparently not. I don't think that I am "scarred" by having watched my parents relationship, or lackthereof, but it definitly bruised just a tad.

So....

On with the healing....

Defining Characteristics

2006-12-01T00:36:00.000-05:00

Paradigm Shift
(n)

A fundamental change in approach or assumptions

Normality

2006-11-30T20:27:00.000-05:00

I met a devil woman,
She took my heart away,
She said, I had it comin' to me,
But I wanted it that way.

I think that any love is good lovin', and
So I took what I could get,
Oooh, oooh she looked at me with those big brown eyes
And said...

You ain't seen nothin' yet,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet,
Here's something that you're never gonna forget,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet.

XOXO,
Skoly

The principals of life

2006-11-29T09:21:00.000-05:00

So here is what is going on with that teaching job that I wrote about a little while back. I called the principals of two different schools who had job openings and never heard back from them. So just to keep him informed I e-mailed the original guy that I had met with and let him know the status of my plight and that I would continue to try. He e-mailed me back and told me that he would call the schools himself and bring me up in a meeting he has on thursday!!!! How amazing is that?!?!?

I have this horrible fear that people don't mean what they say to the full extent that they say it, like "oh we're thrilled that you're coming for the whole weekend" I think that means "we'd love to meet you and if we have to open up our family to you for an entire weekend to do it I guess that's what we'll have to do even though we'd rather just have coffee and be done with it". So when the principal expressed interest in getting me hired into the school system and said "I'll do whatever I can to help you out" I thought what he really mean't was..."I will e-mail you some information and you can put me on your list of references".

God bless people that mean what they say, and God help me to believe them.

Everybody's doin' it

2006-11-28T10:15:00.000-05:00

So of course I had to follow....

You scored as Neo, the "One". Neo is the computer hacker-turned-Messiah of the Matrix. He leads a small group of human rebels against the technology that controls them. Neo doubts his ability to lead but doesn't want to disappoint his friends. His goal is for a world where all men know the Truth and are free from the bonds of the Matrix.

Neo, the "One"

79%

Indiana Jones

75%

El Zorro

75%

Captain Jack Sparrow

71%

Maximus

67%

Batman, the Dark Knight

58%

William Wallace

50%

The Terminator

46%

James Bond, Agent 007

46%

Lara Croft

42%

The Amazing Spider-Man

33%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you

2006-11-26T18:41:00.000-05:00

So I came to the stunning realization over this holiday weekend that Elisabeth really is leaving, and that there is an overwhelming possibility that I will cry.

Alot.

I just re-found her and now she's going away again. Granted it will not be until february but still as of mid-december which is rapidly aproaching I will not be able to call her up and meet her at Open Eye to distract her from papers or have her show up at the apartment with a grocery bag full of food that we will consume in one evening. Whatever will become of me!

Passion and.....well.....passion

2006-11-20T18:24:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder about the random turns our lives take? How did we all end up the way we did and why do some people spiral off the edge and others hold fast and many of us settle some where in the middle. And why is one person's "middle ground" so different from anothers and what about....what about everything.

It's just interesting that's all I'm saying we begin with amazing plans and unstoppable desires, so how do we get off track? or are we really on track and the original plan was off?

I have certain things that I cannot talk about and sit still at the same time. They excite and energize me just to think about them. I love photography, passionately, I love seeing the photos as I look at the world before I even hold the camera up to my eye. I love the sound of the shutter especially on a time exposure, I love the feel and weight of the camera in my hand, I love the negatives held up to the light and the finished work with all it's beautiful imperfections that remind me that I have a long way to go but that at least I'm moving. When I talk about it my face lights up my eyes dance and my heart races.

This is love.

But that being said...I have a camera, and yet I don't shoot....why?

I believe I am scared. To commit completely, let go of the edge, and throw myself (Kiai and all) wholeheartedly into something that I love that much only to have it fall through for some reason. As long as I am only devoting myself to a profession I half care about then it's okay if it doesn't work out. No broken hearts, no shattered dreams just a shrug, oh well, let's move on.

But what, hypothetically speaking, would happen if I just went for it. Stopped doing the sure thing and just jumped. What would happen?

God, Faith and Table waiting

2006-11-17T11:14:00.000-05:00

So I was waiting tables yesterday and had to stay late through a series of random frustrating events. I was beginning to kick myself for turning down the 8-5 position but only half-heartedly. I do love waiting tables and by having to stay late I made enough money to go to the UT tournament this weekend.

Well my last table was very nice and we started talking and they asked me about my future career goals and to make a long story shory (because I only have 4 more minutes on my comp time at the library) the guy is a principal for one of the to rated publuc schools in the area and I met with him this morning to fill out applications and discuss the possibility of employment. CRAZY!!!!!!

So that's what's up in my life right now. I may have a career, I may have nothing, I may end up in Peru trudging through the jungle or teaching special needs children in Orange County. Regardless I will follow God and be okay.

I love the way life works out and doesn't work out and makes you cry and makes you worry and surprises you with the most spectacular events and then awes you with the beauty of the everyday. God never ceases to amaze me in His never ending grace and desire to show me His love. Everytime I doubt He comes through and shows me what a silly little creature I was. I question and He answers. I ask and He gives. I worship Him and He showers me with an unimaginable love that takes my breath away and moves me to tears.

Maybe I'll come back when I have more time and edit this crazy post so that it has some sort of coherency

probably not though.

Six hours of heaven

2006-11-15T02:16:00.000-05:00

So basically I'm in love with Mr. Darcy.

Well, okay let's be honest, I've been in love with him since I was ten years old and have spent vast amounts of time curled up in comfortable chairs with him every so often throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had not, however, had the pleasure of meeting him until tonight. Elisabeth and I spent the evening, the night and portions of this morning living vicariously through Elizabeth Bennet and it was...well.....amazing. Large amounts of fried food and sugar, a block of cheese and a liter of cheerwine may also have been involved.

I feel that in the past I have put a great deal of emphasis on my guy friends and my adoration for them. I have only just recently discovered the true enjoyment that can only come from eating continuously in the company of other women. Not to mention that guy friends would probably not have the stamina for the incessant giggling and swooning and then of course there's "the look" that invariably makes us all melt off the couch simultaneously.

I really love the fact that I'm a girl

...and that Colin Firth is not.

That rainy day feeling

2006-11-07T16:50:00.000-05:00

As I listen to the rain against the roof and window and the soothing sound of the water running down the rainspout I curl up in my cozy apartment on my amazing reading chair with my dog at my feet and the only thing that comes to my mind is.....my car is filling with water as we speak.

Stupid rain.

I know me very well at least as far as I can tell...

2006-11-06T12:38:00.000-05:00

So my roomies computer went down which means that free wireless at the complex doesn't do us a whole lot of good. Coupled with not having cable I have no idea what is really going on in the world except for the few minutes of radio listening I do in the car, which is usually consumed by classic rock music anyway. So I guess it's my own fault if I don't know what's going on.

As far as the rest of my life...I have a job now it's just waiting tables, but you know what shut up everybody at least I'm working again.

So I thought the title ironic since I had the revelation today, this weekend actually, that I really have no idea what I need. I have changed so much since last january that it really surprises me. One of my really good friends pointed out that over the course of the last several months I had graduated, gone to Peru, moved three times, changed states, social circles, and jobs...which I know of course since I was the one doing all that crap...but at the same time it struck a chord with me when I heard it from somebody else. So it actually makes total sense for me not to know where I'm going or what I really need or want in life. That's where God comes in so I don't really have to worry about it persay, but I think that I really should respect the fact that I've aged several years over the last four months and I should really give myself a chance to settle.

I learned this weekend that I am incredibly mellow. Now of course I still enjoy the occassional roll down a grassy hill, don't get me wrong or think that I've grown up too much. But my crazy spastic outbursts are now just that, random outbursts in an otherwise mellow lifestyle. I don't need people to entertain me and I don't want to feel like I have to entertain people. I love nothing more than just being.....except maybe ice cream....I really REALLY love ice cream.

Being me

2006-10-25T18:44:00.000-05:00

I love being the person that God created me to be.

Most of the time

I just wish sometimes, like today, that I wasn't so hard to be friends with. I was talking to a georgian yesterday and he pointed out that I had left alot of confused people behind when in the course of two weeks I went from being ecstatic about being home to throwing everything in a u-haul and heading north, it was all very sudden he said. When I told another friend that I missed her she replied with such a blatantly simple solution that it hit hard...then move back. I don't know what to say to that. I don't know how to say that I wish I could without sounding like an idiot. Because of course I am physically capable of throwing everything back in the u-haul and turning south. But that's just not where I'm supposed to be right now. I don't know how to express my love for the people I left so quickly if they don't already know.

To the georgians that may not understand...
I love you all so much. I'm sorry. It wasn't personal. Missing people, leaving stuff behind, it's the price I pay for the life I chase, but I hope you don't think it was easy or that I'm wishy washy. My physical presence in your life is no indicator of my amount of love for you. I'm sorry that's not "normal"

To the georgians who understood without explaination...
Thank you!

War....what is it good for?

2006-10-25T08:16:00.000-05:00

Besides butterflies of course.

So I was listening to NPR and I tuned in to the end of a story about a guy in Iraq. They had sound clips from one of his friends talking about him and stuff they did for a while and then the lady comes on with her monotone NPR voice and states that he was killed the other day in an explosion and that friends and family were posting their farewells to his myspace. I cried all the way from Hwy 54 to 540.

WHY!?!

Every human being has a life why do we feel the need to take somebody elses? What drives one person to kill another one, or himself for that matter. It sounds like such a naive plea, because it is, but I can't help crying "make it stop!"

I remember the first time I really grasped the thought of the US being at war. They were describing the triumphant home coming of Jessica Lynch. I listened to the story, she was 19, so was I. I cried then too.

I hate war.

About the whore thing

2006-10-20T19:16:00.000-05:00

So apparently I offended some people who did not catch the derek webb reference and actually thought I was calling myself a whore in the litteral sense of prostitute etc....I apologize....let me clarify...

I do not actually literally consider myself a whore in the sense of fish net thigh highs on a street corner at 2am. However...

I am often appalled at how quickly I turn from God and his grace and seek satisfaction in ephemeral highs. Christ offers me a position at His side as part of His perfect bride the Church, and washes me clean and sees no scars. I then take that image that He loves so much and throw it back in the mud. So He srugs His shoulders walks over holds out His hand to my muddied up one and starts over. So to recap when I used the quote "I am a whore" from "Wedding Dress" it was reffering to the idea that God offers His unconditional love and I accept that but then try and take off and still do whatever the heck I please while holding onto the title of His child, essentially cheating on the one I vowed to love and live for eternally. My apologies for not being clearer.

Ode to Marc

2006-10-20T08:23:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking today about my good friend Marc who spells his name with a "c" just to throw us all off and separate the true friends from those think they know him. Seeing as you are the only person who I KNOW reads this board from time to time I figure it was only fitting to dedicate a post to you so here it is the ode to Marc Baumgardner.....

Artist, guitarist,
Techy and poet
friend of my brother,
Son of the Cubitts,
Travel the world God chaser
Leave home behind but remember it's there
Climb high drive far
don't throw your club
you may need it on the next hole
Take care take heart
Take hold of Christ
We love you Mr. Marc
And we're proud of your life!

So there you go Ode to Marc written on the spot....not exactly publishable, but I just made it up so give me a break. Seriously though I'm proud to count you as one of my friends and I can't wait to see where God takes you.

I am a whore I do confess

2006-10-19T21:33:00.000-05:00

So basically me and God have some stuff to talk about....about cleaning up some messes I've made in my life. About the way my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I treat it like crap....more on that later....

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings...

2006-10-18T20:40:00.000-05:00

So my brother is in Korea...not North Korea, but that was a fun little half hour of panic as I tried to figure it out. I love my brother I miss his amazing dorkiness. In all his brilliance and thinking that regular human beings understand partial differential equations. But then he thinks that everything he needs for a year can fit in a back pack and a carry-on.

I know he is growing wherever he is I just wish he was growing and learning on this side of the planet. Even though he has no common sense.....at all.....he can still be a voice of....

okay he can still be a voice.

I LOVE YOU JONATHAN SKOLROOD!!! Hurry Home!

Ice cream and men...

2006-10-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

No offense to all my much loved guy friends out there but I have to say I have thoroughly enjoyed having just girlfriends for a while. Elisabeth and I have spent the evening flipping through facebook pictures, and talking about men with a 1/2 gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and two spoons between us. I love her. I can't believe I survived the last 11 years of my life without her constant presence in it. I am so happy here. This set up is going to be very bad for my weight class but I don't care right now, Peachtree will be light medium heavy anyway so who cares if I'm a couple pounds out.

I have also discovered that with Megan being just as much of a slob as me I feel no pressure to clean anything....ever....as such I cleaned the whole apartment this afternoon.

Also, I have realized the definition of unconditional love as I spent over an hour cleaning crap out of my car in the pouring rain and bathed the culprit twice consequently getting drenched from head to tow in suds and dog hair I then collapsed on the bed, looked at Bo and just thought "I think I would die without you in my life you crazy fool."

I'm very happy right now. Exhausted and still technically jobless but overall pleased with the course of this life I've been given.

Gone to Carolina.....

2006-10-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

Nothing would be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning.....whoever sang that obviously didn't mean at 12:30am on a Saturday night. It was a hell of a move and it took the whole judo team on the Georgia end to load me up....four of us to drive up and then four more NC natives met us up here to unload. It may take a village to raise a child but it takes two states to move a Skoly.

All in all everything is amazing here. I love my apartment and getting to see Elisabeth all the time and then of course living with Megan is turning out to be the most amazing decision ever. I did have a good cry when my judo girls shipped out, but it will be good. And then today it really struck me that this is not just a weekend vacation that I have to go home from. I am home. It was a hard wall to run into...I called Kevin amd talked for awhile just to feel connected to the old world for a while. The dojo here is fun though. I worked out for the first time today and it was an amazing decision. I didn't really feel up to it but now I'm glad I did because I am actually starting to feel like I belong here. Now I just have to find a job and I'll be okay. It's going to be amazing it's just hard to rip up all the tender roots that I've managed to put down and transplant. I am settling in and I'm not sorry I moved I just sort of wish I could have brought Georgia with me....

On the road again

2006-10-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

I forever wander and I'm never content with one spot....give me a couple of weeks and I'll be bound for the other side of the world. I haven't even moved to Chapel Hill yet and I'm already planning what will happen when my lease is up. Maybe Peru bound with Kevin, maybe Peru bound alone. Only God knows. Guide my path Lord and show me your will, I may run and stop and falter and slide and stray but I will forever love You and desire your Spirit to intertwine with my soul and fill me up. Hold my hand as I run.

Sucked in and Stressed out!

2006-10-08T21:02:00.000-05:00

AHHHHHHHH I'm trying to move in a week, I have packed nothing! I'm exhausted and I have no idea how in the world I will pull all of this off. It's insane. I need God I need to get back to where I was with Him this summer. How easily I settle back into my old routine and forget all that I have learned. I have been taught so much and the lessons have been painful. Yet despite it all I get sucked right back into the day to day life that I so joyously left for that brief period. Hopefully this move to NC will help bring me back to where I need to be. I need God's help. I even have second guesses about whether or not I'm making the right decision since I wasn't deep in the presence of God when I made it. So true the lines "I never will forget your love for me and yet my heart forever is wandering." My weary feet long for rest.

Thoughts on life

2006-09-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

I love the stars. In Lima we could never see the stars because it was always cloudy and I never realized how much of a void that left in the night until I would travel somewhere where we could see them and the beauty just blew my mind away. It's kind of like thunderstorms, the awesome power of God just radiates from these natural wonders.

On a totally different subject why is it that we care about things when it doesn't make sense? I am so nervous about putting my two weeks notice into work but when I really stop and think about it the worst that can happen is that they all get really mad and say that I can never come back there to work again. I wasn't planning on ever going back there to work again anyway. I am not fond of my job, the people yes but the actual work I do....no. So why do I feel this horrid sense of guilt for leaving?

I really need to start journaling again, I quit when I got back from Peru, but how else will I remember that one night I thought about stars and unfound obligations in the same thought process.

Scared silly

2006-09-27T08:36:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling where you are so scared and excited at the same time that all you really want to do is throw up? That's what I feel right now as I try a figure out how I will put a two weeks notice into a company that I've only been at for two weeks.

Inspired but tired

2006-09-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

So I'm moving to NC. I guess now we know how long I last in an 8-5 I'm a little bit scared and I have no clue how everything is going to work out, but I know it will. It was all because of a random post on Megan Deluca's website. And now in a couple of weeks I will be NC bound. I have wanted to move back for ten years now....now it's really going to happen. Crazy. I don't reallyt know how to feel about everything yet, and I don't know how to break it to my boss that I will no longer be working there. It's just a little bit scary, but then again maybe this move is what God was preparing me for in Peru, I mean after taking off to a south american country for three months moving five hours away shouldn't be a bog deal. Right? I am beat from working so much and having no home. Can I really move in just a couple of weeks? I guess we're going to find out.

One week later

2006-09-17T11:37:00.000-05:00

How long will I last in an 8-5? that is the question of the day. So far everything has been going well and I do enjoy the job. However, (there is always a however isn't there?) if you have never worked in the staffing industry then you cannot truly understand what it means to be working with the very bottom of the employee pool. Now I don't want to stereotype because I have dealt with some intelligent people who just have a hard time finding work, but in general these people come to us because they have nowhere else to go. That makes work very discouraging when you explain to somebody how a multiple choice test works step-by-step and they still don't get it.

As far as personal life....I am going to make an offer on a car today so hopefully I won't have to drive my dad's gas guzzling truck anymore. On the down side though I still have a horrible cough that I got in Peru, it's been a month now and it hasn't gotten better. I also have no insurance to go to the doctor's. I know somebody with amoxocilin who said they could get me a ten day dose so hopefully that works out and I can start breathing again...it's hard to look professional while coughing up a lung.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

2006-09-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

What a crazy as crap week. I have been offered a home and an 8-5 job that actually pertains to my major and gives me benefits. Now I just need to find a car within the next twelve hours or so but the insurance doesn't come through until like Wednesday. I don't doubt that God will take care of me, but He sure is cutting it close this time. I just keep telling myself that everything will be okay...I have no idea how but it will. I know it will. I won't panic or freak out. I will not cry. It will all be juuuuuust fine......God I need You!

Home....

2006-09-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

It's good to be home after three months in Peru, it's amazing how it seemed like I had lived there for years and now it already feels like a dream.

But now I am faced with the all pressing question of what to do with my life. I have graduated school, I went on my great post graduate adventure that everybody should experience, and now what? I have three old bosses trying to hire me back, how do I tell them I don't want to work for them if I have nothing else lined up? Where do I go now? I was hoping for answers to these very questions on my trip and they just never came. If anything I have more questions now than before. Where does God want me and what does He want me to do when I get there? I know He will show me if I only listen carefully. That being said I should be seeking God harder now than ever before. So why is my Bible still in the suitcase when I've been home for two whole days? Was our summer bond that fragile that the mere re-entrance into my old life style was enough to shatter it? I think not. I'm a little bit anxious about what the future may hold, but I have no reason to be, He has already taught me that numerous times. So here we go jumping off the deep end, let's see how well His little girl learned how to swim this summer.

Theme song of the week...

2006-05-26T14:38:00.001-05:00

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
And everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can't stand by for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
And everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it's dark
And keep an even keel
In your world you're only a phone away
But in my world you're too far to feel
And it may take some time to learn what's real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday's lessons
To never forget love. To never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
And everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you're free
Now that you're free
Now that you're free
You're free

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
And everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you
Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you're free
Now that you're, you're free
Now that you're, you're free
You're free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all
A flock of birds, preparing for the Fall

*~* Carbon Leaf

Second Chances

2006-05-24T15:11:00.000-05:00

When I was thirteen or fourteen years old a small bird called a carolina wren flew into a glass door at my house. It quickly became clear that the bird was not okay. I flew to my room and grabbed a shoe box stuffed a towel in it and put the bird in the box. I asked pleaded and then begging my parents to call the wildlife rehab center. They refused. It's only a bird and wouldn't survive anyway. Suddenly the little wren went crazy for just a minute, then the sound from inside the box stopped. I spent the next hour in my closet sobbing uncontrolably until I couldn't cry anymore and went to bed.

Eight years later...

I'm walking into work today at my boss' house and hear a sound coming from the corner of the garage. It must be a mouse, they've been having a problem with those lately. I look around and find the source of the commotion. There on a small sticky mouse trap, is a very distressed carolina wren. Suddenly I'm 14 again crying in a closet...I have to save this bird! I inspect the situation and grab a glass of water hoping the cold water will lossen the goo that holds the poor bird entangled to the pad. After 15 minutes and very VERY gentle manipulation the wren is free, albeit covered in goo and missing it's tail and most of its flight feathers which are still stuck to the pad from where it had tried to free itself before I got there. I call the wildlife rehab center, the same one I wanted to call eight years ago. They said there's nothing they can do, flight feathers don't grow back, she'll never fly again, turn her loose and let it go. No way in hell buddy! I spent the next half an hour cleaning the left over goo so that she could at least walk and flap what was left of her wings, turns out she has more feathers left than I thought but she still won't fly. I also quickly discovered that without the goop holding her toes together she can run, fast. I spent the next twenty minutes chasing a flightless wren through the house. So now nestled in a towel filled shoebox next to me sleeps a tired and crippled, but healthy little bird. She was given a second chance at life, and I was given a second chance to save one...I'll buy a cage on the way home from work.

A Religion Snob

2006-05-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

Have I crossed a line? Have I been so afraid of judging people that I judge people that judge people? Am I so much into not preferring my own country over another that I have begun to despise this land? Am I so concerned about not wanting to be seen as typical "churchy" type that I have turned on my lover's own bride?

I think to some extent I have. I need to work on bringing that into check. Especially as I draw closer to my Peru trip. I love him yet I don't spend the time with him that I would if he were a human person. I need to work on that too. I have so much to refine and shine. It's a wonder anybody can see any reflection at all of Christ in this tarnished life I call my own.

Maybe that last sentence is my main problem...in fact I know it is. I still think of my life as my own when it's not. *sigh* yet another thing to work on...good thing love is patient because poor God has got alot to do before I'm ready to be presented to His kingdom.

Bohemian?

2006-05-08T01:34:00.000-05:00

Well I've been called alot of interesting adjectives in my life but Bohemian is the latest one that I've been getting alot and I had no idea what it mean't. So I looked it up.

Bo·he·mi·an
n.

A person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior.

A Gypsy.

An itinerant person; a vagabond.

So in actuality it does a pretty good job of describing me. I'm sort of proud of it actually. And fittingly enough my dog's name is Bo which is short for his racing name Bohemian Dicker...excuse me while I look up Dicker right quick.....

Moving on and out...

2006-05-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

So it's all over...I made it through and on Wednesday May 10th 2006 I will officially be a college graduate. I thoroughly bombed my last test and then after waiting for all the other people to catch up so I didn't look like I was done TOO early I skipped, ran and somersaulted my way to my car. I found that not knowing the answers at all relieves all the stress of wondering whether you got a question wrong....you have no bloody idea so any answer is just as good as the next. Sorry Dr. Lee, I love you dearly and I never meant to disappoint you with my final lack of effort, God bless you for giving your life and your heart to your students, it's teachers like you that change lives like mine.

So here we go...on to the next stage of life. I am very curious to see where I go next. I leave for Peru June 1st and I'm becoming a little nervous...the good kind that makes me want to dance around like a leprechuan one second and puke the next. I have no idea what to expect, or what I will go through or how much I will ache for home. I've really been too busy to think about the trip much to be perfectly honest, I have spent the last couple of days moving out of my house, so now I have to spend the next couple of days moving out of my car. I think my jeep belonged to Mary Poppins. I have yet to find it's true capacity.

So for the next three or four weeks I am back to being a nomad, a bird with no nest that just hovers over the city until someone offers her a branch for the night. I don't particulary like being adrift, I prefer to have an anchor point. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of places to sleep, just nowhere to live. I find myself getting off of work and heading toward my house that I don't live in any more and then halfway there realizing what I'm doing and that I really have no place to go so I just drive around town aimlessly until I figure out where I'm going to port for the night. I can't decide whether it's liberating or lonely. Maybe the two go hand in hand, maybe solitude is the price of freedom. Maybe there's some truth to the song that says "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." My dad says I'm a desperado, mom says I'm a gypsy, my sister thinks I'm running away, and my friend thinks I just haven't found anything strong enough to hold me. We'll see.

Final Stretch.....

2006-04-23T17:14:00.000-05:00

Bashed on the rocks like a hard hunted fox...the hard and the easy we take as they come...Let them say what they want, but she won’t stop trying. She might stumble if they push her around, She might fall, but She’d never lie down...broken angel take that plane and finger paint the sky...in this beautiful life there's always some sorrow, it's a double edged knife, but there's always tomorrow...

With hourly pep talks and a little help from Great Big Sea I'll make it through these last two weeks. It's the final stretch....one last paper...one last test...four years of my life are about to come to an end...Here goes nothin' See ya'll on the other side!!!!

Letting go...

2006-04-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

I seem to be addicted to leaving. Not being gone, but the actual act of leaving. There is something about crossing that point of no return that I just love. It's a combination of the wave of sadness that comes with walking away, and that thrill of the unknown that accompanies it. That feeling of not quite knowing whether the ground you're about to step on is solid, and the curiosity that overwhelms me to find out what would happen if it's not.

I love not knowing things, I love faith. I love that the only thing I know for sure is that God will take care of me and that nothing else matters. The idea that no matter what happens to me God is still using and working in me, if He wasn't I would have died by now. However, even as a side note of that death is beautiful in that it will mean that God has finished the work that He created me for and it's time to come home.

I've begged God to let me come home before. I pleaded with Him and did my best to convince Him that I had seen enough and I just wanted to be with Him and His Son. He laughed at me with that loving, understanding tenderness that makes up so much of His being. It was that kind of soft, sad laugh that said "my daughter you know nothing of life, of joy, of pain. I have so much more to show you and to do through you." I cried that I didn't understand this world, it didn't make sense. Innocent people paid for the mistakes of others, children had no childhood, my heroes crashed in front of me and love didn't conquer all. "My angel," He said "of course you don't understand all the things of this world, if you did you would be me. People are only human, they will fail you, and this love of yours that you say doesn't conquer all, is a only human form of my perfect love. Take my hand and walk with me, I will show you a life more amazing in all it's tragedy and splendor than you could ever create for yourself."

All this and I still turn from Him. Insane.

Foxes and butterflies...

2006-04-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

Ocassionaly I feel like my life is a movie and I'm just watching from the outside. Shut up everyone, I do. Sometimes I narrate what's going on in my head with clever little sidenotes like some autobiography that being spoken into existence. A pair of butterflies were flitting in from my jeep the other day in perfect time to the music on the radio and then I parted them as I drove and watched them reunite in my rearview mirrow and continue their waltz in midair. I thought, that was a particularly well done scene. I mean my life won't win any oscars or anything, but it's not half bad for a low budget film. I never really know what I'm going to do next and keep myself at the edge of my seat. I guess it's actually God that keeps my guessing though.

Ever read those books with alternate endings? Like the one about the fox and he comes to a descision and you turn to a different page for each choice and suffer the rewards or consequences for that path? I used to flip ahead and see what would happen before I picked...the purpose of the book was lost on me, I just wanted my fox to survive. Sometimes I wish I could do that in real life. I suppose it's better not to know since we can't turn back the pages and choose the other one, but still, I half wonder if I just sent myself across a road into the direct path of a semi.

Sleepless in Carrollton

2006-03-30T05:35:00.000-05:00

So it's 5:34am right now and I'm awake...have been since since 7:30am. Couldn't sleep, don't really know why, I'm afraid to now 'cause I'll never wake up. On the plus side I read the entire first Harry Potter book. I guess that's a plus side anyway, I don't know.

Have you ever been scared of nothing? no reason no scary books or movies to excite the imagination just out of nowhere get scared? That's a wierd feeling. That happened to me last night...or I guess now it's the night before last. Strange.

So I'm glad Stu's online...why he's up at this hour I don't know, but at least I can rest assured he has nothing better to do than keep me company until it's socially acceptable for me to be up and about.

Well here comes the sun...maybe I'll try and take a nap for a few minutes...

Nostalgia...

2006-03-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

Strange how a song can transport you not only to a different time and place, but also to a totally different state of mind. It's really quite amazing from a behavioral perspective. Why is it that we connect so strongly with sensory things? Smells do basically the same thing, like a particular perfume that takes me back to that summer when I was 18.......anyway...

The other day I was having a perfectly rotty day at work, the weather was bad and I was in trouble for paperwork issues I had no control over. I get into my car turn the radio on and suddenly it's spring of '01, I'm young and in love with life flying down the road with the window's down drunk on the breeze and high on living. Then the song changes and I'm 11 years old running like mad 'cause Josh is right on my heels and I just grabbed the flag. Suddenly a messed up payroll and an office full of invoices doesn't seem to matter any more. They could have fired me that day and I wouldn't have blinked, I might actually have enjoyed it. I think that's just amazing.

Dear God

2006-03-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

So happy, so excited, so scared out of my mind! I give you me, mind body and soul, mold this broken girl into a woman you'll be proud of, a suitable part of your Son's perfect bride. In the fury of the storm I see your power, my fear tempered by love and transformed to awe. In the delicate working of pastel petals I see your gentleness and my heart delights. In the grandeur of the heavens ablaze in sunset in the sheer beauty of this world that you let me play in, I see you, I love you, I fear and adore you. God I'm overcome by your expressions of love, you reach out to touch me even when I run. So by faith with no map, I'll follow your path, if by love with no end you'll take my hand. I pledge now my life, my heart and my strength, to serve only you my beloved King.

Lost agression...

2006-03-11T01:18:00.000-05:00

Where oh where has my competitive spirit gone? I have lost all desire to be the best of anything. Why is that? I used to not only give Anka a run for her money in Spanish class but beat her grades alot of times. When did I stop caring? Why did I stop caring? I know I'm not as proud as I once was, but have I taken it to the extreme? Have I become soft and non threatening? What happened to the viscious fighter that would never settle for second place? Don't get me wrong, I still like to win, but beating the other person just doesn't drive me the way it used to. Strange...

Joy...

2006-02-18T07:56:00.000-05:00

Here is just a random list of things that bring joy to my face.....

Getting to the bakery just in time to get the last blueberry doughnut, dancing like a crazy person to "Captain Kidd" in my living room at 2am, working a banquet and taking home four filet mignons and five pieces of Mahi Mahi for FREE!!! Talk about some awesome leftovers!! Finding my judo shirt for the competition just as I'm walking out the door after cleaning out my whole car and tearing apart my room looking for it, that muscle in the back of my arm that didn't exist four weeks ago, irish dancing barefoot in my office, aaaannnnd carrot cake with no raisins

Craziness!!!!

2006-02-17T01:06:00.000-05:00

Man I love my life. It's soooooo insane but it's so wonderfully beautifully amazing. God throws so many things out there and I just can't wait to see where I end up! Peru maybe Raleigh maybe...who the heck knows!!!! tuesday I was working a mundane 9-5 and now I have three maybe fourish jobs to replace it and somehow it will all work out.

My first day at work at the new "office" was awesome!!!!! I'm doing paperwork for a couple that owns Miller's where I used to wait tables. So Dedra(the wife) left me and Scottie at the house all day to work...wanna know what we actually got done? almost nothing!!! we messed with the internet connection to make it go faster....then we tested it by downloading movies...then we got lunch and a 6 pack of wine coolers did payroll paid some bills, and threw a bunch of papers into a drawer so it looked like we actually worked. Oh yeah the first hour was designated play with the three dogs time. I know everyday won't be like that but it was such a relief!!!! I love Scottie and Dedra they are the coolest people I've ever worked for and loyal to their employees like nothing else!!!! God bless this whole broken beautiful world and all the people in it!!!!

Relationships...

2006-02-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

Does everything hinge on making amends?
Will he ever forgive me?
Can I ever forgive him?
Is it all her fault or is it mine?
Mercy and justice
where's the line?
Define unconditional
and what is true love
and how do you express it on Earth?
What does it mean to love my brother?
Who is my brother? And does he count?
I know she does, but how do I love?
God please help me out.
My head's starting to spin Lord,
when does this end Lord?
Maybe we're all just broken.

Learning new things...

2006-02-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

I think it's important to learn new things everyday. Today I learned that dad does not have an endless supply of food like I had thought. And also never put a blob of peanut butter and several different kinds of cheez wiz on a saltine cracker and stick the whole thing in your mouth...I think that counts as a suicide attempt. And the last thing I learned today is to never burn bridges with friends that wait tables or manage kitchens, and don't be too proud to pull the puppy face on them when you get hungry and poor enough.

Just figuring things out...

2006-01-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

I wonder sometimes why me and my dog get along so well. I think I figured it out today. We are both very loving but we don't have ties. He likes to wander and so do I. He will always come back to me after a while, sometimes longer than others, but I never really know when. I always come back to people eventually. Just because I leave doesn't mean that I don't love, it just means I leave. When I go to the park to read he wanders far away sometimes, not like normal dogs that want to play with you and just sit beside you when you don't play. He is very independent. But he will come back and he will curl up on the grass and lay his head in my lap and I will read and he will sleep and that's more special than a doggy dog that never likes to be away from you. We don't need eachother, we just find comfort in the companionship of the other. My mom says my dog is why I don't have a boyfriend. She's probably right.

I'm tired of talking about me. If you expect to find deep thoughts here you won't. It's just me releasing some of things that go on inside my head during the day but aren't socially acceptable to talk about in normal conversations.